| Aquarius : | Manufactured holidays aren't your cup of decaffeinated herbal tea, but consuming a few vegan chocolates doesn't make you a conformist, does it? |
| Aries : | You're determined to receive the most cards, candy and flowers. Who says sending roses to yourself doesn't count? |
| Cancer : | Ooh, there's nothing like candy heart art and lace doilies to get you going! Martha Stewart's got nothing on you. |
| Capricorn : | Lacy hearts and syrupy sentiments make you sneeze - besides, nothing says love like a new electronic organizer! |
| Gemini : | You make two dates for the night - and then backup plans with your friends in case you decide to flake on your original plans. |
| Leo : | You are displeased by the single red rose some admirer left on your windshield. Clearly you are worth at least a dozen! |
| Libra : | You send valentines to everyone you know: your hairdresser, your fourth grade teacher, your manicurist, your manicurist's cousin ... You don't want anyone to feel left out. |
| Pisces : | You live for this stuff! The world would be such a better place if we could all just hold hands and share heart-shaped cookies every day. |
| Sagittarius : | You can't commit to sending a card - what if the recipient reads too much into it? You fake temporary amnesia to avoid acknowledging the holiday. |
| Scorpio : | Why go out for a fancy dinner when you already have dessert waiting at home? Who knew that a Cupid costume could be so sexy? |
| Taurus : | A bouquet of dandelions, dime store chocolates and dinner at a fast food restaurant? Relax, it was just a bad dream! |
| Virgo : | You refuse to share the box of chocolates you receive - what if someone fingers them? What if someone sneezes on your roses? |
